Getting Equality

Getting Equality

By Seth Kilbourn

Seth Kilbourn, Vice President for HRC's Marriage Project. Photo Credit: Human Rights Campaign.

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Despite the predictions of extremists that Massachusetts would slide into the Atlantic Ocean once same-sex couples were legally married, one year later more than 6,000 couples are celebrating their first anniversary and Massachusetts remains firmly anchored on the eastern seaboard.

Just a year ago, on May 17, 2004, the first legal marriages of same-sex couples were held in Massachusetts. In this first year, Massachusetts is learning that marriage equality is good for the state. It has strengthened families and educated neighbors and friends about the security and protections that flow from marriage.

The rest of the country is learning too. While last year brought 13 anti-GLBT constitutional amendments and a presidential election that didn't go our way, 14 states prevented amendments from even going to the ballot. But pundits never bother with details. At the state level, we've also passed more non-discrimination bills so far this year than in any year since 1992. Connecticut now has civil unions and Oregon could quickly follow. In California, the Legislature is considering a marriage equality bill. And coast-to-coast, courts have ruled repeatedly that GLBT Americans must be treated equally.

Some say that marriage for same-sex couples is too much too soon. But, the discomfort that marriage has created for our political allies is the same discomfort that some of our own friends and family have expressed. The GLBT community is not immune from it either. It is the same uneasiness that any difficult conversation engenders and we should not shy away from it. In fact, we have no choice if we expect to achieve equality under the law - be it non-discrimination, hate crimes or family law.

The conversation is working in Massachusetts - where a recent poll showed that nearly 60 percent of voters support marriage for same-sex couples. But even there the fight is far from over. The Legislature will vote this fall on a constitutional amendment that would overturn the Goodridge decision; and anti-gay groups have indicated that they may try to put a constitutional amendment on the ballot in 2008.

We've started talking and we can't stop. We must remind those closest to us that GLBT people face the same struggles as our peers but without the same protections and without the same honor bestowed by society. Let's talk about what it's like to sometimes feel like an outsider in our own families. Let's talk to them about the subtle and not-so-subtle ways in which our differences are used against us.

We need to remind our friends and families that equality matters to them, too. There's no question that our stories move people. Every single poll has shown that when people know us, really know, they move toward equality not away from it. Stories abound about the transformative effect on non-gay people when a same-sex couple they know gets married. All of a sudden the couple next door understands the relationship of the two women living next to them. They "get it."

On this anniversary, let's get as many people as we can to "get" the realities of our lives - as individuals, as couples and as families. This is real grassroots work that has huge political payoff

Does it make some of our friends in Washington and in our statehouses nervous? Sure. But their trembling means they're finally hearing us, and that means we're making progress. It's the kind of progress that can't always be counted by traditional marks in the win and loss columns. But it's exactly the kind of progress that over time becomes a mountain of social change - a mountain that's quite a sight when you take a look back at where we were 10 years ago.

We are bolder and braver in our quest for equality and it's paying off. As we celebrate the anniversary of marriage equality, let's make our own commitment. Let's vow to be the force in shaping millions of moments where our fellow Americans "get it." Just imagine what the mountain could look like a decade from today.